Livejournal flashback

From time to time I like to post entries from my old livejournal. I stumbled across this one the other day, from 2005. It's funny how almost six years later it is still relevant!

Sep. 17th, 2005 | 08:42 pm

i am happy today. this afternoon i spent some time kind of reflecting on times passed and about times when i felt so depressed but hardly anyone knew. it was such a sad, lonely place to be. it makes me happy to know that i am in such a different time in life and i hope i never go back to that. lately i have given up the whole idea of expectations in regards to people and events. it is much easier to expect nothing from people, and this way i am never let down. i used to get disappointed a lot because i just didn't get why people would do the things they did, or why they would choose to not do certain things. best friends who you talked to every day shift to every other day and then slowly fade to talking to every week, to twice a month, and then whatever comes next. it's okay for friends to fade out of your life, and this is a good realization. i have spent too much time putting effort into people and relationships; shouldn't it be easier? i should want to call him or her, and vice versa. not being relieved when the voice mail picks up because we don't have to actually spend any time catching up. and thus, the personal relationship ends and a new one begins. one of avoidance and excuses, from both sides. we are all in our own bubbles and somewhere along the line i don't care anymore to try and to force old friendships to stay current. people change. ideals change. a lot of the girls i used to spend a lot of time with aren't in my radar anymore. we have different ideas of happiness and about life. these aren't reasons to end a friendship, but when you don't spend any time making new memories, and rely solely on the old to fuel conversations about times gone by, there is no need to continue it. i like where i am right now. there are a handful of people whom i love more than anything, and our relationship has grown and weathered change and adapted to life. and to the others, it's okay to say goodbye to what we had, and welcome in a courteous hello and how are you when we meet again.
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a snapshot of my feelings, 2005

I've been going through my old livejournal and I've been coming across so, so many interesting posts. I am going to share a few here whenever I remember to do so, and I'm not sure if these will be terribly interesting to you, but they are to me. It's neat that I kept a livejournal for so many years. I have almost everyday of my life documented from 1999-2008 and it's such a gift to be able to look at myself with such clarity. I can read all about my college experience, my time after graduation, every step that led me to Hank, every detail of moving into that relationship, and how it all unfolded. It's amazing. Here's a little something I wrote when I first starting falling in love with Hank, my then-boyfriend, back in 2005. I sound so young, but I was young, and it's crazy to think that at this point I would have had no idea what our life would ended up being like.

i love him so much that it hurts sometimes when i feel like no matter what i do he will never fully grasp the full depth of my feelings. we discuss this often, and he feels the same, and then we agree that that is one beautiful aspect of being so in love, one aspect is that your emotions for this other person are so deep you can never show them the entire span, nor can you even fully grasp the love as a tangible thing. the fumbling dance we do to show love here, there, to hold it between our hands and up to each other in a look look here it is, that is beautiful. every single failure before him now seems only like a step here or there to lead me right to him. every morning when i look look at myself to know how i am feeling on that particular day, i am often able to see myself through his eyes. and when doing so, i can feel warm and soft and beautiful, because through him i am all of these things, and i am everything that i want to be, have been, and will be. when i can crawl up close to his tired body late at night, when i can curl up on his lap in the afternoon, i feel the energy from his body that meets with mine. it is the feeling of waking up at four in the morning, frantically reaching for him, and finding him next to me, curled up with me, tangled up with me. it is the feeling of coming home after a horrible day, and taking one step in the room, into his comfort and love, and he knows. i still want to know all of his dreams and his hopes and his wishes. true love is still alive, it does exist. i feel so lucky to have found the boy i will marry someday, and i feel so fortunate to have found a boy who loves me and every single one of my blindingly obvious flaws, and he holds me and them all up in one bundle, and soothes us to sleep, every night of our life.Source URL: https://sweettattooforgirls.blogspot.com/search/label/livejournal
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